Daryl's Blog

Staff at an M & S store in London refused to help a lady suffering from cancer push her trolley across the road. The woman complained.  HO admitted the store got it wrong, but they then offer the standard weasel words of the grudging apology: 'we are sorry if she felt let down'. Bad: if you hurt someone say sorry for what you did properly and magnanimously. The advice I was taught back in nursery 60 years ago still holds good:

Hold hands when you cross the road. Tidy up after yourself. If you hurt someone say sorry (properly).

Let me boast: A couple of years ago, one of my fellow directors was involved in an error that cost us a couple of thousand to put right. It wasn't her mistake but it was on her watch and she thought she should have picked it up. So she promptly handed in her resignation. I am so proud to have people of that calibre and integrity in my team.

I called someone up this week who had just taken on a new job as a volunteer in a local charity; a high pressure job that puts him right in the spotlight. He was a bit anxious about getting something wrong. He mustn't be. Very likely he will make mistakes. When he does, be clear, don't hide it, say sorry, put it right and move on. (it's all right, he's not a pilot or a brain surgeon, no one's life is at stake!)

All this seems very self evident, but why do we so often make such a meal out of saying sorry?

Last night we took a friend out for a curry. Her telephone rang (bad person, phone on, restaurant!). It was a close relative in distress because her best friend had refused to speak to her for over a month; wouldn't return calls or texts etc etc. She had brought this on herself by addressing a difficult issue between them by text rather than face to face, so the best friend had simply withdrawn.

If you are going to criticise only do it in love (Gordon and David, kiss and make up right now, shouting at each other on question time like that) and have the courage to do it face to face. Only yesterday I saw on my FB page one of my daughter's being publicly critical of another daughter. (I have now 'hidden' them both so will no longer be privy to their bickerings; if FB is to do any good at all it's got to be for better things than being hostile or critical)

I sometimes wonder if any of us ever get beyond the nursery stage when it comes to communicating with fellow human beings in difficult situations. Here's 3 helpful steps to take when we get the silent treatment, silence being the worst kind of feedback, hammering our insecurities with its uncertainties.

1.     Accept that you don't know what the silence really means: Don't fill in the blanks with your own insecurities. (and don't try telling me you're not insecure; at my great age I still struggle with it)

2.    Ask for clarity: Reach out to the person and ask why they are not responding. What did you do to upset them? How can you put it right?

3.    Believe the response: too busy, just forgot; don't read between the lines, accept it as truth and move on.

In the situation in the restaurant the 2 people live in the same street, but they can't face the pain of a face to face meeting which could possibly bring them closer together. Now, go and knock on your best friends door and make friends again. (Oh, help from Harvard Business Review on this one, also Peter Bregman's book if you want more)

I spent a half a day with a group of church leaders and trustees. They had been through some turbulence and were keen to sharpen up their act. They were open about the problems they'd experienced and rather than make excuses they wanted to learn the lessons and move on. At one point we touched on the importance of understanding and allowing for the mix of personalities in a team. Some of us are 'Ready, aim, fire' people; We are safe, we plan meticulously when engaged in a major project or a big change. The downside is that the leader often pays a heavy price in terms of anxiety and stress, also the change can take longer. Others of us are quite different: we are 'Ready, Fire, Aim' leaders. This process often gets the job done faster, and there can be more room for creativity. The downside is that, although the leader may not get stressed or anxious, those around him certainly can get anxious by the chaos and confusion and fog of war. The group I was explaining this to found it quite hilarious, and explained to me that their leader didn't fit either of those categories: he was a 'Fire, Aim, Ready' sort of guy. You can imagine the scope for stress and chaos they have been through at times.

Thinking about their history over the last 15 years I have to say that although they have experienced many ups and downs, their small local organisation has had a significant impact nationally and internationally by empowering people and enabling them to build and spawn off projects that have made a difference to communities across the world. I can think of  a dozen projects that have succeeded, plus a few that failed.

So which way is best? I am a bit of a 'Ready, Fire, Aim' man myself. But I seem to end up as part of a team which covers my weaknesses and enables me to make the best of who I am. We all need the right balance in the team we are part of. Knowing a bit about MBTI helps; we train on this from time to time (not me, you have to be 'Ready Aim, Fire' to be able to train well). I'm not a trainer; I'm an enthusiast, so I get away with it, usually.

So, if you are RFA, or RAF, or even FAR, remember that your strengths are your weaknesses, and go for it with all your heart. Be blessed.

I'm right out of ideas for this weeks blog, so I will confine myself to charity related comment on today's budget. Some time ago the Government, in their anxiety to lay law upon law on us introduced a law to stop wealthy people obtaining advantage from charity donations. It was far too complex and of course penalised the innocent, leaving the guilty to carry on but being a little more cunning. Recently I 've advised a number of people who have been wanting to make large donations (or charities who have been offered large donations). The Government have now announced their intention to replace the current rules, probably by something even more complex. Let's be a bit counter-intuitive about some of these things, scrap the rules altogether, and strengthen the audit and IE rules. (The substantial donor rules are far too complex to go into here; as usual they are a lawyer's dream)

On the topic of big donations, a trustee wrote to me last week: someone wanted to make a donation through his charity to a charity in Malawi. It had to go through a UK charity to get the gift aid. As it stood, it fell foul of anti-terrorist legislation would you believe! I don't think they were terrorists. It won't work because it would come into the bracket of conduit giving. There are ways to legitimately overcome these difficulties, which I passed onto the trustee. Do be careful though, if you are a trustee and someone wants to pass money through your charity; get it wrong and you could be personally liable. Get advice. (Oh, that's what I do, and I said I wouldn't use this to tout for business!) Actually this bit of legislation is quite good and doesn't need dismantling, just make sure you get good advice and do it properly.

I'm in a privileged position; going around the country, looking at teams of different shapes and sizes. For a few hours I join a team and it's soon apparent what sort of team it is: a good one or a struggling one. Some teams it's a pleasure and a joy to be with; others aren't quite so well placed and often my heart goes out to the people who have to endure them.  Most teams of course are somewhere in the middle, getting enough right to make headway but getting enough wrong to hold them back when they should be pressing on.

My governance notes will give you some help, but here's an even better way to find out how well you are doing: Patrick Lencioni's book, 'The Five Dysfunctions of a team' is a practical tool to help you breakthrough if your team is struggling. Goes right to the heart of the real issues. His five dysfunctions are:  absence of trust, fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability, and finally, inattention to results. Doesn't matter whether it's a church, a basketball team, a plc or the local WI the issues are always the same. The main part of the book is a story illustrating the (often painful) pathway from dysfunctional to functional. No point going into any of the detail here, but the book is highly recommended. I've bought 10 copies and will be using them in my talks on governance. If only I had this years ago, it could have saved me a lot of heartache, being involved in dysfunctional situations and often being part of the problem not the solution. Now, I'm going to check out some of his other books; he clearly has some good things to add to the debate on running a team, a company, a church, or the local WI.